Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Letter to Jason Statham

Dear Jason,

How was your weekend? Mine was great. I saw your latest movie, "Crank" on Sunday. Congrats on it being the #2 movie for the weekend. I really like it when you take your shirt off and when I caught a glimpse of your buttocks in the hospital gown. I also really adored you in "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" and "Snatch" even though I didn't get a glimpse of much. I also like it when you just talk.... I thoroughly enjoy your accent.

Let's take a moment to review your work history (title, (year).... character):

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998) .... Bacon (LOVED it! One of my all-time faves.)
Snatch. (2000) .... Turkish (Also LOVED it. Top 5 for sure.)
Turn It Up (2000) .... Mr. B (Looks bad baby. Sorry- never saw it.)
Ghosts of Mars (2001) .... Sgt. Jericho Butler (Wasn't your best picture but I like Ice Cube.)
The One (2001) .... MVA Agent Evan Funsch (Jet Li saved you here.)
Mean Machine (2001) .... The Broadhurst Monk (Haven't seen it yet though I want to- so many Lock, Stock actors can't be bad.)
The Transporter (2002) .... Frank Martin (Ok, except for that horrific acting by that GIRL.)
Red Faction II (2002) (VG) (voice) .... Shrike (Haven't seen it yet either. Anything with your sexy voice has got to be good though.)
The Italian Job (2003) .... Handsome Rob (Liked it a lot! Can't wait for the sequel!)
Call of Duty (2003) (VG) .... Sgt. Waters (Haven't seen it yet either. 9.2 stars out of 10?! I better get myself to the movie store!)
Collateral (2004) .... Airport Man (Not bad! I usually like Michael Mann flicks.)
Cellular (2004) .... Ethan (OMG. This movie NEVER should have been made.)
Transporter 2 (2005) .... Frank Martin (Not your best work. At least you got to drive a hot car though.)
London (2005) .... Bateman (I plan on seeing it very soon. Looks kinda good! Did they MAKE YOU grow your hair out a little?)
Revolver (2005/I) .... Jake (Four words: Guy Ritchie is God.)
Chaos (2006) .... Quentin Conners (I promise I'll see it soon, ok?)
The Pink Panther (2006) (uncredited) .... Yves Gluant (You have to be in the right mood for this type of movie....)
Crank (2006) .... Chev Chelios (Please read on.)

And in the future (post production):
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007).... Farmer (I can't wait to see you in armor with that big sword!)
Rogue (2007/I) (post-production) .... Jack Crawford (I like the idea of you as the bad boy... I hope you don't die at the end.)
The Brazilian Job (2008) (in production) .... Handsome Rob (You don't like Charlize Theron, DO you?)

Ok, now I am writing to express my disappointment in your recent role and film choices. "Cellular" competes with "Crank" for absolute WORST movie EVER, although I know your part in that movie was a small one. I'm surprised either one of those movies made it to the big screen when they should have gone STRAIGHT to DVD. "The Transporter" wasn't a HORRIBLE movie except for that unspeakable acting by Qi Shu as "Lai." "Transporter II" on the other hand was the beginning of the end of your fabulous acting career. Were you just running out of money or what? Why couldn't you have just waited for the next Guy Ritchie movie? Or "The Brazilian Job?" "The Italian Job" was really good! But "Lock, Stock" and "Snatch" were definitely the apex of it all for you- beginner's luck I guess. Although I don't believe that you are a bad actor- you are actually an exceptional actor!- you have made some abysmal choices recently with regard to your films and for this I have to.... break up with you. I am so sorry. I hope you can understand. I hope we can still be friends.

I am crossing my fingers for your redemption though I fear it is too late.

Love always,


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